20 minutes ago, this was going to be a very different post. 20 minutes ago, I was going to write about what it’s like to be pregnant for the first time, with a second child. How, when you already have a child, and are experiencing pregnancy for the first time (minus our early term miscarriage), you are “robbed” of some of the pleasures of just sitting back and enjoying your pregnancy — whatever the experience may be. You see, with a 2-year-old boy, I don’t have time to sit on my couch, rub my belly, and dream about what life will be like for our little girl. I don’t have the luxury of coming home from work and, because I’m so fatigued, just going to bed. I don’t have the pleasure of staying in bed all day because of the nausea. No. I have a toddler to get up, get dressed, off to school, go to work, come home, get him fed, bathed, and in bed. (And yes, I am grateful for the help of my husband).
But that was 20 minutes ago. Now, I feel silly for even thinking this way. 20 minutes ago, I learned a precious girl whose infertility journey I have followed since before we got pregnant, lost her twins at 8 weeks. Yesterday, I learned a dear friend also lost her baby at 8 weeks.
God has catapulted me off my selfish duff and reminded me to be grateful. And I am. I am SO grateful. So thankful. Because I know that at any moment up until this time, and from any moment here on out, He could allow Sienna to be taken from us. He could allow Brae to be taken from us. He could allow my husband to be taken from me. My mom, my sister, my entire family. In a moment, I could be Job(ette).
And yet, God will still be the same. He’ll still be faithful, loving, kind, good, amazing. And I will still be His cherished daughter whom He loves so much, and whose life He cradles in the palm of His hands. He will still be FOR ME. He will still know what is best. He will still take care of me.
Yes, infertility has robbed me of a lot. But, in spite of it, God has given me so much more. He’s given me a perspective that, above all else, He is all I need. He alone will sustain me.