PORKY

PhotobucketToday was my 30 week appointment.

The ultrasound machine was old, but we could tell that Sienna is head down, looking at my pelvis, sunny side up. We still think she is a girl, although she had her legs closed. Modest soul. We got to see her heart beat, and her little lungs move up and down and she breathed. A miracle.

I’ve gained a total of 16 lbs — 3 in the last 2 weeks, so I think I’m finally catching up. (My husband’s “baby app” on his iphone says the average is 25-35lbs at this point!) Although I’m not there yet, you can call me Porky.

I don’t have gestational diabetes. I have the opposite problem. I’m hypoglycemic. My blood sugar levels were below normal. I was not totally surprised by this, as my mom is the same way. I’ve probably always been this way, but just never been tested for it. Dr. said to just watch out for dizziness.

Dr. also said that I’m at high risk for post-partum depression. He said looking at my history (teenage anxiety), my recent history (I def got the baby blues after Brae was born), and my current situation — first pregnancy and taking care of a toddler, makes me a prime candidate to watch. He wants me to start seeing someone now to talk about preventative measures. I definitely think I could, and probably will, get the baby blues after Sienna is here. I’m not at all scared or nervous about the labor and delivery. It’s actually the time I’ve been looking forward to since the beginning. But I am very scared about bringing her home.

I have a good support system, but my husband can only take so much time off work. There will be lots of sleepless nights, zombie-like days, and I’m supposed to take care of a 2.5 year old. Under normal circumstances, my coping mechanism is running. I love running. I love the endorphins, the adrenaline, the solitude, everything about it. I have not run for nearly 9 months. And it is still at least another good 3 before I’ll be able to again. Having Sienna in the summertime will help, I’m sure, but I’m not naive or proud enough to say that I won’t fall into some kind of depression. I don’t think it will be full-on PPD where I feel hopeless and am completely paralyzed. But I do think that I will fall into a funk.

But it won’t be because I’ll miss being pregnant (I’m so grateful for the experience, but have not loved being pregnant). It will be because I’ll be completely sleep deprived and have no semblance of a schedule. That is just complete chaos for my makeup and constitution. Having this be my first pregnancy but my second child, I have no idea how my body will react or recover physically from this pregnancy. But I don’t have the luxury of just holding a newborn as I figure it out. I have to also run after a little boy.

As a dear friend who has a newborn and a toddler put it recently, with her eyes wide open, “It’s so hard.”

It will be so hard. I just have to remember it’s short lived, and ultimately, so worth it.

(P.S.– I have my baby belly pictures this weekend, so I’ll make sure to post once I get them!)

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