THIRD BIRTHING CLASS: A BULLET LIST

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We saw the video last night. You know which one I’m referring to. Yup, that one. I’ve witnessed the birth of my son. But this was different. This was on a big screen. In high-def.

— My husband was starving. We had gone through a drive-thru and gotten him a hamburger to eat in the class. The hamburger stayed in the bag the whole class. He had lost his appetite.

— He told me on the way home that as soon as my legs go vertical, he’s leaving the room.

— Suffice it to say there will be no mirrors of any kind allowed in my delivery room. And all non-essential personnel must stay where I can see them. Nobody’s getting a free peek in my room.

— If you recall from my last post about the first class, the first stage of labor is about 8 hours and not much happens. My husband joked quietly to me that he could get in a round of golf. I raised my hand and asked if it was okay to keep working during that stage of labor. My husband was mortified. And, by the look on the instructor’s face, she was too.

— Apparently, some women ask to keep their placentas. Some put them in the freezer. Some plant them because they contain a lot of nutrients that help trees and other plants grow. My husband and I decided there is a business opportunity there. We’d pay to purchase all the unwanted placentas from hospitals and start a landscaping business. We’d call it Plantscentas.

— A cute side story: the other night, Brae and I went for a walk. We came upon an old man standing in his driveway. He was wearing an undershirt and boxers and was barefoot. He was smoking a cigarette. He had long, wild white hair sticking straight in the air. He had a long, straggly white beard. As we passed him, Brae waved and said, “Hi Santa!”

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