ENDOCRINOLOGIST, SIBLING JEALOUSY, AND SAYING GOODBYE

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— I saw the endocrinologist today. And I finally feel like I have a grasp on the root cause of our infertility. It is most likely linked to my Hashimoto’s disease, and its early onset. The doctor also suggested that I have asymptomatic Celiac disease. I’m asymptomatic except for one thing — infertility. Infertility is a symptom of Celiac disease. Celiac would also explain my gluten sensitivity, as proven by my blood test. The doctor recommended I see a gastroenterologist to confirm Celiac through a probe. That may be something I do one day, but I’ve been gluten free (again) for over a week. I’m not quite sure why I’m doing it, other than to just generally be healthy. (Sure, it would be awesome to experience a spontaneous pregnancy, but I can’t be doing it for that reason.) Hashimoto’s and Celiac tend to go hand in hand because they are both autoimmune diseases. Going gluten free this time around has been a lot easier than last year — there are just so many more choices nowadays. I’ll keep it up until I feel like no longer keeping it up. That simple. And, at that time I may see a gastro doctor to confirm whether or not I do have Celiac. But I’m not sure what good that will do me other than to simply have a diagnosis. If I’m asymptomatic (other than IF), then it would be really hard to be motivated to stay gluten free. Scarily, the odds of miscarriage are TWICE the normal population if I do in fact have Celiac and eat gluten. On a side note, I learned Hashi’s has a genetic predisposition component. My grandmother had a goiter when she was younger. That most likely means she also has Hashi’s. I told her to get tested. She’s almost 90. Probably not too excited to learn she has an autoimmune disease at this age. Oh well.

— Terrible two’s is a misnomer. It’s the terrible three’s. Or the terrible almost-three’s. Brae has been pushing every button in my system lately. Repeatedly. Bedtimes are the worst. Last night he didn’t fall asleep until 10 (despite being put in his room at 8), woke up screaming at 1, and again at 5. When I brought him in bed with me at 5 (after Tygh had gone to work), he kicked me for nearly an hour, screaming that he wanted to go downstairs and watch Mickey Mouse. I just ignored the behavior (my new tactic). Eventually, he gave up and fell asleep. Then I very, very slowly crawled out of bed and woke him up 90 min later. That’s just one example. I have a whole list (including him trying to flush an entire roll of toilet paper — cardboard included — down the toilet). After much wringing of hands, Tygh and I think we’ve stumbled on the answer — Sienna. His precious little sister has thrown his world upside down. For his whole life, he’s been the center of attention. First grandchild on THREE sides. Now, there’s this new person living in his house, taking away attention from him. And he has no control over it. Sure, you may be thinking, you are idiot parents if you didn’t recognize this. But we honestly didn’t. He has never shown any signs of aggression or jealousy TOWARD Sienna (hasn’t tried to “off” her), so we just figured he was acclimating fine. I think we’ve been dead wrong. This revelation has actually really helped things because we have a new sensitivity toward him. I just have to keep remembering this the next time he’s throwing a shoe at me.

— I’m finally ready to write about something that happened nearly 6 weeks ago. You may recall that we adopted two sets of embryos. The first set resulted in our beautiful daughter. Because of her, we never tried the second set. Well, after a lot of painful and hard conversations, we returned those precious embryos to their donors. It was a very hard decision and, if I’m honest, not one I was totally on board with. I’m not sure I’m still totally on board with it. You see, I want a third child. At least, I think I do, most days. Tygh is really only ready for a third child if it happened spontaneously. When you have to go through so much of an effort to have a child, it really makes it much less appealing. I get that. But, I have a larger picture. I think 10, 20, 30 years down the road and what I want my family to look like. I want 3 kids. God knows this. I believe this is a God-given desire and, true to His character, He will fulfill it or take it away. In any case, it was the right thing to do to return those embryos. With Tygh and I not being on the same page, it was best to return those embryos so they may be adopted by the family they are meant to be with. The right thing to do is usually the hardest.

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